EARS
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally said “Your ears.”
“What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!
“Well,” said Bob “In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!!!
BANK ROBBERS
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. “Open the fucking safe!” he yells at the woman behind the counter.
“But we’re not a real bank,” she replies, “we don’t have any money, this is a sperm bank.”
“Don’t fucking argue, open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off!” says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says, “Take out one of the bottles and drink it.”
“But it’s full of sperm!’ she replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it’ he says. She pries the cap off and gulps it down.”
“Take out another one and drink it, too!” he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman’s amazement it’s her husband!
“There!” he says, “it’s not that fucking difficult is it?!”
3 GAY MEN
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”
The second man said, “My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”
The third man said, “My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairygodmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly …Peter Peter,something or other….”
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A PENIS
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but hard to get any real work done.
If you don’t apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don’t
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don’t have it want it.
People who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy but think it’s not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn’t have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
25TH HONEYMOON
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
GOBLINS
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies
“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”
FOUR KINDS OF SEX
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND…
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
TTR2′s Daily Jokes
EARS
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally said “Your ears.”"What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!
“Well,” said Bob “In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!!!
BANK ROBBERS
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. “Open the fucking safe!” he yells at the woman behind the counter.”But we’re not a real bank,” she replies, “we don’t have any money, this is a sperm bank.”
“Don’t fucking argue, open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off!” says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says, “Take out one of the bottles and drink it.”
“But it’s full of sperm!’ she replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it’ he says. She pries the cap off and gulps it down.”
“Take out another one and drink it, too!” he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman’s amazement it’s her husband!
“There!” he says, “it’s not that fucking difficult is it?!”
3 GAY MEN
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.The first man said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”
The second man said, “My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”
The third man said, “My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairygodmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly …Peter Peter,something or other….”
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A PENIS
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but hard to get any real work done.If you don’t apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don’t
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don’t have it want it.
People who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy but think it’s not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn’t have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
25TH HONEYMOON
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
GOBLINS
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies
“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”
FOUR KINDS OF SEX
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND…
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN